These days the dating world is like a minefield, there are unwritten rules and secret forms of etiquette, there are things you should do and things you should not; nowadays, even messaging a girl can seem like a puzzle, where you are filled with questions, hesitations, and a constant fear of messing up the situation, doing the wrong thing, or just generally not understanding the signals, and this is made all the worse when a girl who you get along well with, or shows an apparent interest in you, suddenly pulls back on the frequency of her replies or stops replying altogether.
However, help is at hand, we understand how difficult it can be to know what to do when you are faced with this type of situation, so we have assembled a little guide in order to help you know what to do next, and give you a better chance of success.
To begin, let’s look at what to do when a girl goes from regular messages to you, to just a few a week, or even a month. When this happens it can feel so frustrating, you immediately have a hundred questions going round in your head, perhaps you are wondering if you did something wrong, said something offensive, or maybe she is playing a game.
Well, first things first, don’t overthink it, second-guessing why her replies have dwindled will be of no benefit to you, if anything you could end up creating a scenario in your head, having a bad reaction, and killing any hopes of ever speaking to her again, before you even found out the true reason. So, take a breath, don’t panic and put into practice the following steps.
Give Her Space
The main thing you should do when a girl starts to back away is to let her; give her space, allow her to be as distant as she wants. If she wants to take time to herself, to think about how she feels, or to explore other options then so be it. You will be surprised at how effective it can be to let a girl drift away because she will usually be back faster than you would ever have guessed.
Having a girl message you less is never a reason for you to worry, you see, men and women are just different, and it is important for you to remind yourself of this before you start thinking you are the problem.
As a man you will have a very target focused mind, it doesn’t even matter what the target is, but once you have a goal then you will put all your drive and energy into reaching that goal, so you find a girl you like, and boom, all your energy starts on go on getting her attention or getting a date, but slow down for a second.
Women take longer to process thoughts and feelings in a dating type of situation, it might be hard for you to understand, but it might take a woman a week, two weeks, three weeks, etc, to fully think about how she feels, and where she wants this to go, the goal for women is different and therefore handled in a different way; women are just more emotional, there is nothing wrong with this, but it does mean giving her space can be a very efficient way to help her realize what she wants, or how much she actually misses you when you are not there.
Don’t Text in Desperation
When she backs off, straight away you will have the urge to reach out and message her more than normal, well don’t. If you feel desperate to text more to try and get a response or have her attention or acknowledgment, it will show, and it will not look good. You are strong, you have your own life, and you don’t need her attention to feel better, so keep your messaging habits to normal, at most.
If you display desperate behavior via message, this moment of weakness will not be forgotten by her, it is off-putting and it is one of the quickest ways to kill your game; no one wants to feel like they are messaging a man who is being ruled by his insecurities, and unfortunately, you can also be sure that she will tell her friends about it as well.
Don’t Double Text
If she finally messages you or responds to you, reply once, then leave it, the when she replies, like before, message once then leave, always one message then stop. If she wants to wait an hour, a day or week to reply, then let her, you don’t need to double text.
Maybe she is even waiting for a double text, but don’t give in; be patient, keep steady, and wait for her reply. It is important that she knows that you are not giving in, you are not sitting at home waiting for her, you have your own life.
It is easy to think a quick second text isn’t a big deal, maybe you saw something on TV, or heard something in a song that reminded you of her, it is possible that she may have a work or personal problem that you are aware of, and you want to check in with her, but stop.
You have messaged her already, you can bring these things up with her another time, namely after she has replied to you or you are in a different setting, you deserve a response, so you will wait for a response.
Don’t Act Clingy
Now, you may think that because you are only messaging her a few times, or only responding when she does, that you are not being clingy, but pay attention to what you are saying in your messages, rather than focusing on the fact that you are not messaging a lot.
It is easy to get over emotional in a message when you are not messaging frequently, you have a lot of time to think about this girl or what you want to do with this girl, so suddenly, when a message from her comes through, you write an outpouring of irrelevant emotion all in one message because she has been on your mind.
Instead, keep your language casual, you don’t need to tell her you have missed her, you want to hug her, you can’t wait to see her, or any of the like; rather, find the balance between being relaxed, but not being standoffish, be polite, be kind, but don’t be clingy.
Don’t Be Over Interested
This doesn’t mean just her personal or family life, this is for all aspects of her life. She has a big work meeting in the afternoon – great, good luck. She has a doctor’s appointment that evening – okay, you hope it goes well. She is going out with friends at the weekend – good, you hope she has fun. Responding is a semi-interested manner to aspects of her life will always leave her wanting more.
The less interest you show, the more she will show you because suddenly your lack of interest has made you interesting.
It is also not necessary for you to always be asking her questions, especially if she doesn’t return the favor, this is not a job interview; let her lead the conversation, and don’t give too much away, it is a classic case of people wanting what they think they can’t have.
After a while of you acting like you are not overly keen, you will see an increase in the amount she messages you, and while you don’t want all of your interactions to always be happening over text, it will give her the chance to get to know you better and realize that she wants you.
Don’t Try to Be Funny
You might think you are funny, your friends might think you are funny, and yes, you might even actually be funny, but this does not always translate well over message, in fact, someone’s true tone or intention rarely comes across as the person intended.
For this reason, trying to make a joke, especially if she is taking time to think about what she wants, could easily come across as that you are trying to be difficult or “off” with her, and straight away you have now lost her and any chance you had with her; in the beginning stages of messaging or getting to know someone, the wrong kind of comment can make the whole thing come crashing down, as harsh as it may seem.
So, always remember, a joke can be misconstrued as a sly dig, or a patronizing comment, therefore, leave the jokes until you are hanging out in person, the time is right and you can genuinely make her laugh.
Set Solid Plans
If you want to have a date with this girl then set a date. You want to go to the cinema, a restaurant, or a walk along the beach, well perfect, so set the date. Never waste time sitting around waiting for her to offer up a date or a time that she is available, you are a man so take the reins and tell her when you are free and what you want to do.
Of course, you can be firm without being forceful, tell her when you would like to see her and ask her if she is available too rather than telling her you are free and will be there whether she can make it or not.
Don’t Cut Out Other Women
While you are going through the stage of dealing with an infrequent texter, don’t get so wrapped up in it that you forget about your other options. This girl who is too busy to reply, or is taking the time to figure stuff out, is not the only girl who could be a potential interest for you, there are plenty of other women out there, so don’t get so caught on up focusing on this one girl because she has you on a hook, that you dismiss or don’t pay attention to your needs.
It is okay for you to continue with your life, and have fun in the meantime, you don’t owe this girl anything, and there should be no guilt attached to you having an interest in another girl, so don’t let other opportunities slip away. If anything, it could even work in your favor if she finds out, and realizes that this pang of jealousy she feels is because she does want you, and was just a little slow to see it.
Dealing With A Non-Responder
Sometimes, the situation that you are in can seem a whole lot worse, in the sense that the girl has gone from messaging regularly, to barely at all, and finally to zero responses regardless of what you do.
This has probably happened for one of two reasons, either one; she is genuinely just playing games with you, however, you don’t have time for this, and you don’t deserve to be treated like this, so if you get the feeling that she is not responding at all because she is playing a game, then just call it a day – don’t message her again, even if you feel angry and are sure you will feel better if you tell her, trust us, you won’t; instead, forget about her, block her number if you have to, just be done with it and move on.
Or the other option is that she is just not into you, this can happen, and if it does don’t worry you are not the only one, but honestly don’t waste time thinking about it, or getting down on yourself thinking you did something wrong, you can’t find the right girl every time, so instead use it as a learning experience, even in a negative situation, we can usually find a lesson or silver lining in there somewhere, but don’t let a bad experience stop you from finding the next girl.
(The book Atomic Attraction: The Psychology of Attraction by Christopher Canwell is THE BEST available to help you get what you want from a relationship and dating in general).
Atomic Attraction: The Psychology of Attraction on Amazon.com